5 Types of Guys to Avoid Like the Plague

Face it ladies, online dating is here to stay. Me being me, I dove in head first, eyes closed shortly after my divorce.  In the immortal words of Yoda, "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try". I didn't just try online dating, I ate it for breakfast. 

Being new to the digital world of dating, the learning curve was pretty steep. And by steep, I mean a sheer cliff overlooking the dark abyss of bad date purgatory. Lucky for me I'm a quick learner. Once I got the hang of it, online dating was fun and proved to be a great way to meet new people. Whether you're looking for your one true love or just want to hook-up with a few Mr. Right-Nows, online dating can be a whole lot of fun and the best way to get out there and mix it up.

When I started my online dating adventure, I knew that not everything in Mr. Maybe's profile was 100% true. People naturally want to put their best foot forward and that's okay. Be honest, we do it too ladies. But what I didn't know was how to spot the not so obvious red flags. After I got through my online dating boot camp phase, I became pretty savvy at knowing how to avoid the not-so-desirables and uncover the few hidden catches. Here's my (almost) bullet-proof guide to picking a better match.

 

5 Types of Guys to Avoid Like the Plague

 

The Too-Old-to-be-a-Hipster

You can spot this guy just by glancing at his profile picture. He's clearly well past 40, but his profile reads, "37 and getting younger all the time". He's wearing an Affliction shirt, jeans with bling, and has a Jersey Shore tan. In his profile pic he's oh-so casually leaning up against his red Dodge Viper while flexing his overly juiced muscles. In the rest of his 25 page pictorial he's surrounded by gorgeous blonde bombs in a too-trendy club living la vida loca. You get the picture. Unless you only have 2 brain cells to rub together, keep looking.

The Craddle-Snacker

This one's a cake walk to spot. His profile leads with, "active 39 yr old make seeking females 18-29 yrs old". Need I say more?? He's not even looking in his own decade. Eww. Enough said.

The John Mayer

 
Unfortunately there's a plethora of this type online and they're not always easy to spot. They come across on paper like the kind of cute, charming guy you wished you bumped into at Starbucks. But beware ladies, these guys are nowhere near commitment-ready and they're always on the hunt for the next best thing. So how do you spot this time waster? Trust your instincts. He'll appear almost too good to be true and he'll try to overly convince you that he's so ready to 'meet the one'. 

This smooth-talker knows how to say all the right things; he might even confess to you on your second perfect date that he's falling for you. The tip-off? He won't take his dating profile down. He'll tell you, "Babe, I hardly even knew I still had an account. I'm not 'actively' looking anyway. I love you." Run, don't walk to your nearest exit and never, I mean never look back. I just saved you several bottles of wine and a broken heart. You can thank me later.

The Pastor-Poser

This guy gives Jesus a bad name. Luckily for you, he's pretty easy to spot. His profile pic looks like a hyper-trendy-wanna-be-boy-band member. Oh. And there's definitely at least one snapshot of him; eyes closed, acoustic guitar in hand, whispering a love ballad to his own personal jesus.  His ‘About Me’ post reads like a love letter to JC, so much so that you feel a little voyeuristic reading through it. He makes it crystal clear that only the purest Christian hearts need apply.  Maybe you're looking for a nice spiritual guy that's gettin' his good book on, but this ain't him, trust me. 

The Stuck-on-His-Ex'ster

This guy's tricky and almost impossible to spot from his profile alone. The good news is, one phone call is all you need to peg this type. Let's say you come across Mr. Handsome and his profile reads like a play-by-play of everything on your 'must-have' list. You're interested. You wink. He emails. You respond and the flirting commences. He's good, but not so good that he's smooth; he's just right. 

You're feeling pretty good about your $35.99 investment right about now. He asks for your cell number. You act coy for about 5 seconds then hand it over holding your breath until your phone rings. Your heart's racing. He calls, his voice smooth and deep like dark chocolate. You melt. And then he proceeds to blather on about his ex for the next 42 minutes. You think, "...he's just nervous. We have a real connection here."  Nope. Trust me, this guys a train wreck waiting for a passenger. And you don't want to buy that ticket. Next!

Happy dating ;)