Orgasms and Elbow Room

"Are you sure you're not just afraid? Afraid of getting hurt?"

I'm 1000 percent sure. In fact I'm so completely sure that I could've walked out his front door right then and never looked back. Leaving at that particular moment would've cost me fabulous reunion sex 20 years in the making. But that's how sure I am. I wasn't mad at him for asking the same tedious questions that I've been asked countless times before. The supposition is always the same. Why would a perfectly 'available' and seemingly well-adjusted women, or man for that matter, choose singledom over a committed relationship? Why couldn't he be THE guy that made me change my wanton ways? Why won't I settle down?

It's so ridiculously simple. Why does anyone choose cookie dough over tin roof sundae? Or Nine Inch Nails over Jack Johnson. Or snow capped mountains over a warm, sunny beach.  It's how those things make you feel. After 40 plus years I know what makes me feel good. Elbow room. More to the point, orgasms and elbow room. My love life consists of more than a few open sexual partnerships. Some are deep (albeit open) relationships, some are FWB's, and some are just one-and-dones.  I'm having my cake and eating it too. And I'm happy.

And by happy I mean completely satiated. So why does society at large think that I must be unhappy or broken in some way?  It's assumed that I'm either a commitmentaphob, or suffering from some broken hearted neurosis, or justifying my promiscuity, or making excuses until my Mr. Right comes along, or just plain afraid.

What is so wrong with having multiple intimacies and solitude at the same time? Does it really mean that I'm a hot mess and what I need is a long term relationship with one man to straighten me out? Been there, worn that t-shirt. And no, it never fulfilled me for very long. In fact, I usually ended up feeling stifled and frustrated and guilty. Guilty because society told me that I should be happy, but each and every time I failed to reach the coveted heights of monogamy nirvana.

Monogamy is the ultimate sacred cow. We blindly worship this age-old relationship structure out of religious conviction and cultural stigma's, not out of our own core principles. Conservative thinkers warn us that the nuclear family is being eroded by progressive lifestyle choices like homosexual couples, polyamorous relationships, and even hetero's who make a conscience decision not to have children. But who you love and how you love is your own personal choice based on your value system, not on someone else's idea of ultimate happiness.

And no, we aren't opening Pandora's box. Humans have been engaging in 'alternative' lifestyles since before we could walk on two legs. "There's nothing new under the sun", to quote a very famous wise man. Men and women will continue to fall madly in lust and make little mini-me's. The human race will go on; hopefully more accepting and more open and happier as time marches on and people see the value in all relationships.

And as for me? I'll continue to have an open door policy for as long as it makes me happy. Some nights I reunite with a lover as if we've been apart for months. We can't keep our hands off of each other, we passionately talk about our separate lives for hours on end... everything is new again, and I fall in love all over again. We have amazing sex until we're too tired to even think about another orgasm. And then he goes home. I don't have to worry about which end of the toothpaste he likes rolled up or find his dirty socks on the living room couch. He's perfect. Well almost.

And then other nights I'm blissfully alone. I'm free to sit in front of my computer and write for hours or read a book, eat copious amounts of ice cream and drink wine in my rattiest t-shirt; simply enjoy the space in my head with no one to interrupt my flow. I'm happy.

It's not all sweetness and light. Juggling multiple levels of intimacy and navigating matters of the heart is always a tricky matter. But the bitter and sweet are well worth the pay-off of living the life I choose, not a life chosen for me.